I know it's still January, but...

I haven't taken down my Christmas tree yet. I've removed the ornaments and taken down all Christmas decor trappings around the house. The naked, fake tree is leaning against my dining room table. Just leaning there. Kind of sadly. It belongs in a dingy box in the basement that I just can't get up the energy to go down and get to cram the tree back in it for storage. I suppose I could just drag it down the steps and sit it in a corner of the basement. but then it might get spiders in it. I know it could get spiders in it as it is, just leaning there in the dining room, but I came across this article from the awesome "Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency" and laughed and saw a bit of myself in it. Maybe by July I'll have the tree back down in the basement...or not.

We Are Going to Turn This Fake Christmas Tree Into an Art Piece So I Don't Have to Haul it Down to the Basement Again.

BY LILY LANGERUD

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It's almost July. I get that. But we've made it this far, and I feel like with a few adjustments, this could actually pass as some sort of avant-garde thing. The last time I looked at modern art, one of the exhibits was just a big empty room with a light bulb on a timer. This is totally just like that. See how we can bend the branches all crazy into... actually, scratch that, the point of this is to avoid having to fold the damn thing up again.

Let's give it a face. Inanimate objects with faces totally kill right now. We can just tear one out of my Us Weekly... Jesus Christ; yes I can be an existentialist and read Us Weekly. At least I'm not the one sitting around scowling and pretending to read Nietzsche at coffee shops like a total asshole. Oh right, like it's not so that cute barista with the dreads and the septum piercing will notice you.

Maybe if we just hang some stuff on it, no not like ornaments, like the opposite of ornaments! I've got this moldy old pair of Chuck Taylors with the seams coming apart. Jam a branch through the hole, wrap the laces around it a little, instant Warhol! This is just like that shitty Charlie Brown Christmas tree that Urban Outfitters makes a fortune on every year. We have one of those somewhere? Perfect, we'll just shove them together. In fact, hand me that PBR tallboy, let's see if we can cram that on the top. Oh thanks a lot, I guess you weren't finished with it yet. We'll just add 'skunkiness' to the list of artistic attributes. And yes, I am going to drink this entire bottle of wine by myself, so don't even ask. It's going on the tree too.

Do you think we should move it? It's kind of blocking the TV, but only at that far end of the couch, and we really never have company over here anyway after the eviction scare. I guess as long as we can both still see it when we're lying down half-passed out it really doesn't matter. It might even be improving the reception, and no I don't want to have that argument about getting cable again. You know my moral opposition to the sole cable/internet provider in our area is firmly grounded in my lack of money and my passing interest in something called 'net neutrality.'

Oh! Here's one of their mailings, we can crumple it a little and shove it somewhere near the trunk.

I'm starting to feel like this piece lacks direction. Let's get high again. No, just tap the bowl out on the tree—these things are all part of the process. Do you want part of this orange? Well too bad, you should have offered to peel it. No, I'm not just throwing the peelings wherever. This is so Dada.

How many Parliaments do you have left in that pack? Hurry up and smoke them, I think I can put that in the center somewhere—wait, maybe we can weave some cigarette butts into the style of one of those popcorn garlands. What do you mean, I'm just making an inside out garbage can? Are you going to eat the rest of that pizza? There's still some room over here on the left and I don't want this looking half-assed.