This has been such a long and blah-ish kind of week. I've been in a pretty dark mood most of the time and have been trying to pull myself out of it. Last night I couldn't sleep after being exhausted around 8 and going to bed. Then waking up around 2 and just not being able to calm my mind. The things going through my mind were not good and really unlike me. It's just one of those phases I guess: the crabby, hateful, mean version of yourself that cycles around every once in a while for no reason at all and prompts you to want to lash out at anyone and everyone. It's better to stay away from people when these moods crop up.
The only thing I can blame it on other than being just a weird phase is that my mother's birthday was this week (along with other family members). It seems like a cop out to blame that for my darkness lately, though. Her birthday has never really bothered me much that I can remember. I don't remember us ever really celebrating it much when she was alive, although I'm sure we went out to dinner and I probably gave her little handmade cards and Dad helped me buy a present or something. But, it never really affects me as much as other times of the year when I realize how much I miss her.
I was mulling it over in the wee hours of the morning, and in the the gloomy mood, started to go down paths I didn't want to trod. Like how I'm forgetting her voice and I have to try really hard to remember her face. I don't dream about her very often at all. Maybe only a handful of times in the years she's been gone now, but every time I do, she's different than she was in life. Not physically different, but acting different. With a different sort of personality. She doesn't seem to worry at all. I mean, Not. At. All. Which is nothing like who she was in life. She worried constantly about this and that and was such a planner and a list-maker. She was not the sort of person to go down the road of life with the back of her dress tucked in her pantyhose, if you know what I mean. But when she shows up in my dreams now, she is much more laid back. Much more go with the flow. More like how I like to envision myself, but one of the reasons I managed to be so laid back is because she wasn't and I always knew if there was something really wrong and I didn't know what to do, she was going to have the solution and a plan of attack and lists out the wazoo. And when she shows up in my dreams, I usually want that woman back. I want the mothering and, often, I'm miserable or crying or really upset for one reason or another and am so happy to see her and then I go and sit next to her on a park bench and cry while she continues to chat away with other ladies on the next park bench like she doesn't have this crying mess of a girl cuddled up next to her. It can be disconcerting. She always seems happy though, so it's hard to even blame a gloomy mood on any feeling of being kind of put-out by this subconscious version of my mother.
No. I think the gloom and doom is just a mood phase brought about by whoknowswhat. I hope it goes away soon, though. I'm ready to feel more like myself again.
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